Just A Few Things That I Ain't

The Beautiful South

 When you called me a useless druggie
 At least you got half of it right
 When you called me a hopeless alcoholic
 I'm only hopeless after nine at night
 And when I said you came staggering home blind drunk
 If I didn't you'd get terrible fright
 And if this is the land of hope and glory
 Where's the land of hope but not quite

 I've been scruff bag, dirt bag, always someones binbag
 But never been bono or sting
 However I dressed never really impressed
 So they never got to hear a damn thing
 I've been bad man sad man certified mad
 But never 007 or saint
 Trendsetter go getter international jet setter
 Are just a few things that I ain't

 The time you told class I was a half wit
 Was my very first 50 %
 Previous best in any other test
 Was either stolen copied or lent
 And when you branded me and every single one of my mates
 A waste of time and effort to teach
 Why d'you give us sums if our only hope was bums
 On someone else's deckchair and beach

 I've been smart arse, mardy arse, on and off a lard arse
 But never been a legend to god
 New thing dumb thing even last year's thing
 Headbang? - not even a nod!
 I've been left-wing, secure-wing, lost stripes, gained winged
 We've never caused a lady to faint
 Wideboy, ladyboy, read it in the paper boy
 A few things they said that I ain't

 When popularity soared, hometown and abroad
 I spent most of it trying to breathe in
 Always ill at ease, too willing to please
 An inferior life's bargain bin
 When you come from a background of bargain bins
 You're bound to fear it ends where it begins
 So when nation adored we felt more of a fraud
 And too phoney to celebrate wins

 I've been scruffbag, dirtbag, always someones binbag
 But never been Bono or Sting
 However I dressed never really impressed
 So they never got to hear a damn thing
 I've been badman, sadman, certified mad
 But never 007 or Saint
 Trend-setter, go-getter, international jet-setter
 Are just a few things that I ain't